The end of a dream realized.

I attended a baby shower yesterday.

A fairly normal event, but it marked a significant change in my life.

The mother-to-be, already the mother of a 7 year old girl, has tried for years for a second child, with whom she is now pregnant. The newest baby is a girl...so i gave her a blanket. a pink, soft, fluffy potterybarn kids blanket. and i wept.

I purchased that blanket for my future daughter. I was never a "buyer". I did not buy clothes, toys, anything...because once we sent our paperwork to China, the line came to a screeching halt, and I had enough sense to guard my heart. But when I saw the blanket, I had to buy it. One item.

It's gone now.

with my dreams.

Given that we will soon have a son, and little patience for the never-ending wait signaling China's attempt to "shoo" everyone away, that particular blanket will be used and hopefully loved by its new owner...and I need to release the wave of grief that has been building over the past 30 months....and come to terms that my dream of a daughter is no longer a dream I can pursue.

Please be kind to us this holiday season.